If You Give a Genius a Cookie
by sampson17
Summary: How would Artemis react to things we take for granted in our normal lives? A sort of "What Would Artemis Do?" kind of thing. Chapter 12- Artemis battles the ultimate evil: Facebook request emails!
1. If You Give a Genius a Cookie

**So I got the new-ish Artemis Fowl book on Wednesday, and it's basically ruled my life. Sorry about not updating my other stories, blame Mr. Colfer! Anyways, this is sort of a "What Would Artemis Do?" Sort of series; just a bunch of random drabbles about our favourite genius.**

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but the plot.**

GIVE A GENIUS A COOKIE

Artemis Fowl the Second was a very busy boy, and the type that did not particularly like to be disturbed. That was why one mid-afternoon in the middle of spring, he found himself very frustrated as he made his way down the stairs of the Fowl Mansion to go take care of the persistent knocking on the door by some small child. He had seen her coming from his bedroom window; she probably had mistaken his residence for another. However, it baffled him as to how she could have gotten past security; perhaps the new guard had let her in? The thought worried him; he would have to look up into it. Still, she looked harmless enough, though before answering the door he quickly scanned her person for any weapons or fairy technology. After finding none, he went to open the door. As he crossed the cold stone flooring he thought about the project he was working on, one that could not only help prevent global warming and reduce carbon emissions ten-fold, but also make it very rich.

"Hello, my name is Isabella!" Said the perky child at the door. Isabella had large brown eyes and long, dark hair. She spoke with a high-pitched voice and American accent. She wore a yellow sash around her chest, with several badges sewn onto it. Her hat was tilted to the side, and Isabella did not look like any threat to security. However, Artemis had learned long ago that looks could be very deceiving.

"Hello. My name is Artemis. What do you require, little girl?"

"My only wish is that you buy some of my delicious cookies, Mister Artemis!" And with that, Isabella smiled largely, and looked him squarely in the eye. It was obvious she was not going to take no for an answer, but Artemis himself was like this, and knew the right way to break people like that down. He could probably sell her about a thousand boxes of her own chocolate cookies.

"No thank you, Miss. I do not want any of your cookies, please." Best start out gently. He really wanted to avoid crushing this little girl, though would if he needed to.

"Oh, but I think you do." And then, he met her gaze, and all of a sudden he felt himself more compelled to buy the cookies than he had been to do anything else in his life. Artemis felt his mouth gape open. The little girl was hypnotizing him, and strangely, he was completely all right with it.

"So, one of everything then?" Artemis could do no more than give a meek nod as the girl began unloading boxes from a wagon nearby.

"Uh," He said suddenly, and then forgot what he was saying. Artemis shook his head. "Whom should I make the check out to?"

"I'll take cash." Said the girl, and he paid her several euros in exchange for the desserts.

"Thank you for supporting the Fireside Girls!" Isabella called, and then left.

And Artemis was left standing in foyer with about two-dozen boxes of cookies. After the hypnosis of sorts wore off, he briskly took out his phone and dialed for help.

"Hey, Holly," He asked the elf. "Do you like Fireside cookies?"

**That's it, folks, how'dya like it? This is actually a scientific method of selling cookies, it's an ancient magic and explains why you always buy way more than necessary. Does Ireland have Girl Scout cookies, or anything similar? I would assume, but I'm not sure and too lazy to research it. Anyways, big props to Phineas and Ferb; Best show on Disney for a while. Well, that's about it… R & R, folks!**


	2. If You Give a Genius a License

**So kids, here's the second installment. Thanks to Lulu-fifi and .. for being the first to review, and to all that read. Anyways, chapter dos of this lovely saga details the excapades as our favourite genius makes his way though driving, and the ultimate evil. (Parallel parking.)**

**Disclaimer- I own nothing but spare time.**

IF YOU GIVE A GENIUS A LICENSE

Artemis Fowl was very much unlike most boys his age. He did not waste time on such trivial things as girls or sports, and considered wearing low-rise pants to be a felony. However, he did hold in common one thing with his peers. On his sixteenth birthday, his father had promised to teach him how to drive a car. Though he graciously accepted, inwardly Artemis scoffed. He had been driving planes ever since childhood; how hard could a simple car be? There was no doubt in his mind that he would breeze through his father's lessons and be driving in no time.

It was a bright Sunday afternoon, the kind in which families go on picnics and eat large breakfasts. Artemis Senior surveyed the blue skies and light wind, and he too knew it was going to be a fine day, especially for driving lessons.

He was nervous for his son though, and in good reason. Artemis had a feeling that his junior would take driving lightly, which was one of the cardinal sins of going behind the wheel. After much thought and consideration, he decided to have his son's first automobile experience. Mr. Fowl reasoned that they were easier to drive, and harder to break than most cars. So, he called to have one specially equipped with a solar storing engine, painted an extremely classy black. He felt confident that this would please his son, and that young Artemis would do well on his first day of driving, or at least not fail it completely.

Today would be the true test.

Artemis got into the car, first adjusting his mirrors and then making sure his seat belt was buckled. His father sat beside him in the seat, grinning from ear to ear at the prospect of giving his son his first driving lesson. Artemis, on the other hand, was a tad less thrilled. He felt absolutely ridiculous in the large black car, and his father had picked a country road where "… You will have nothing to crash into." Artemis's pride was wounded slightly by this; did his father really think he would completely butcher the road? He ached to prove this to be an incorrect theory, and couldn't wait to show off his skills.

And he didn't do badly at all at first. Artemis Senior relaxed as he saw that his son was a much better driver than he had been. Of course, he should have expected this from Artemis; he was so grown up compared to most sixteen-year-old boys.

Finally, after a long day of stopping, turning, and passing lane etiquette, Artemis was left to face one daunting challenge: The Parallel Park.

He eased the car into the space slowly and evenly; he had read about this way of parking before. Almost all books had said that it was the hardest part of driving, and he rose up to that challenge with careful precision. Holding his breath, he finally managed to squeeze between on of mother's and Butler's cars. Suddenly, he realized that he was misaligned, and ever the perfectionist, he slowly pushed the gas in order to reverse back to proper order. _Bang!_ He crashed forcefully into his mother's special-order-electric-blue-eco-friendly Viper. Her front fender was damaged, and she would not be happy about this. Artemis then decided in a flight of fancy to put the car back into its original spot. _Bang!_ The car crashed into the bumper of Butler's favourite white Bentley. Artemis gaped at the wreckage, then looked at his father. The senior Fowl was obviously trying to hold in fits of laughter, and Artemis felt his face burn bright red with embarrasement.

"I think," He said coolly to his father, who was now crying to keep in his giggles, shaking madly with the effort. "I shall perhaps stick with taking the chauffer instead."

**Part of me wants to yell at him for being a quitter… Ah, well. Read, review, and readjust those mirrors!**


	3. If You Give a Genius a Health Book

**Hello there! Welcome to the third installment of "If You Give a Genius a Cookie". In this story, Artemis explains the joys of conception. Oh, boy…**

**Disclaimer- Artemis belongs to Colfer as Erik belongs to Christine, but one day they shall both be mine…**

IF YOU GIVE A GENIUS A HEALTH BOOK

It was a calm afternoon in Fowl Manor. Holly had just left, and Artemis was curled up in a study chair, reading an old classic. He smiled as he thought of Myles and Beckett's impressions on "Aunt Holly". They thought her to be no more than a Lilliputian with funnily coloured hair, and she had great fun playing with them. She was a great time for the boys as well. They went on secret adventures roaming about the Fowl Estate in a search for treasure, mystery, and trouble. Artemis's mother absolutely loved Holly, and knew of her elfin secrets.

"Artemis?" Myles approached his older brother timidly, with Beckett in toe. "I got a question for you, Artemis."

Artemis Fowl looked from over his favourite Shakespearean novel at his younger brothers. What could they possibly have to ask him? He thought about the lesson they had covered that day, Linear Equations. Perhaps it had to do with that subject matter, it could be quite tricky to grasp at times, though he was sure that Myles had understood.

"What is it, my brothers?" He asked, his voice trying to be kind and gentle. He was smiling so hard that it almost hurt.

"Artemis, I'm not sure how to ask this…" Began Myles, but he was soon cut off by his brother.

"Artemis, where do babies come from?"

Artemis stopped smiling. Where had that come from? Oh, well, best answer their questions, or face the wrath of two screaming toddlers. He took a deep breath, and wished desperately for some Chardonnay.

"You see," He began. It was a strong beginning, he thought, but now needed something of substance to follow. How on earth could he explain _this_? "When a woman and a man love each other very much and they want to express their love for each other, they… they… they lie down together. Sometimes, little bits and pieces of them come together and they all mix together in the woman's… stomach. After that, she gets pregnant, and after nine months the baby comes out of her."

"Out of her _where_?" Asked Myles innocently and curiously.

"Out of… Out of… Out of her belly button." He finished lamely, praying that neither boy would realize his hesitant answer and call him on it.

"But Artemis, 'zactly _how_ do the little bits and pieces get together?"

Artemis paled at Beckett's question, cursing on the inside. He opened his mouth to answer and closed it several times, before finally collapsing onto the chair and saying, "Why on earth are you both so curious about this today?"

"'Cause, Aunt Holly told us she'd give us each 10 euros if we asked you." Said Beckett simply. Meanwhile, Artemis exploded inside his head. That infernal fairy, he was going to get her back if it was the last thing he did!

"Beckett, you simple-toon! You weren't supposed to tell him that! Now we aren't going to get any money at all!" Myles berated his loose-lipped sibling, grimacing as best a child so young could.

"Boys, I will give you each fifteen euros if this subject is dropped permanently, and we never speak of this conversation ever again."

Both boys cracked identical, mischievous grins at their older brother. "What conversation?" Said Myles.

**That silly Holly! That's it folks, read and review. Oh, and by the way, I'm considering writing a short "Part 2" to this for tomorrow's story about Artemis's revenge. Is anyone interested?**


	4. If You Give a Genius a Health Book Part2

**Here's part dos, which I simply couldn't resist posting!**

**Disclaimer- I own very few things, and especially not the Artemis Fowl series.**

IF YOU GIVE A GENIUS A HEALTH BOOK, PART 2

Holly whistled on her way to work. It was such a stereotypical thing to do, but she had just seen the great Artemis Fowl trying to explain how babies were made, which was absolutely the funniest thing she'd ever seen. Butler, who almost cracked a rib laughing had sent her live feed of the surveillance tape, and she'd shown Foaly, who had shown the Kelps, and pretty soon the entirety of the Lower Elements Police Force had seen the poor boy's speech. Elves all around were congratulating her on a prank well pulled; many of them told her that they hadn't laughed so hard in years.

Finally, she got to her desk space. Papers cluttered its surface, and the drawers were all jammed full of what at the time appeared to be quite useful, but later turned out to be nothing but junk. She didn't notice the small walkie-talkie carefully positioned beneath the rubbish (By none other than the illusive Mulch Diggums), and simply went about life as usual. She spent her morning categorizing the various adventures she had been on in the past month. She normally hated this day, the last Thursday of the month, because it meant spending time inside, sorting papers instead of off doing fieldwork. Today, however, she didn't mind it as she got to sit and think about her victory over Artemis.

Suddenly, the phone rang. She looked at the caller ID before picking it up, and inwardly groaned. It was her least favourite cousin, Alice. Plastering a fake smile on her face and testing out a fake-sounding happy voice before answering, she finally hit the talk button on her phone.

"Hey cousin!" Said Alice, her annoying faux English accent resounding inside of the receiver.

"Hello there, Alice. How are things?" Replied Holly, trying not to show that she was bored already with the conversation.

"Simply fabulous, darling! I met the hunkiest guy yesterday, I can so see you two together!" Alice's voice was high pitched, and listening to it gave Holly a migraine.

"Alice, I have already told you a thousand times. I do _not_ need your help in getting a guy."

"Well you'll have to make it a thousand and one, because Holly, this guy is super delicious! You would totally love him!"

"No, because if he's anything like the last thirty-seven guys you have insisted I would love, we are complete and total opposites."

"Opposites attract!" Holly fiercely fought off the urge to shock her annoying cousin through the phone. However, she was pretty sure that this action was not only childish, but also physically impossible.

Alive heard her heavy sighing. "Well, fine, ruin my fun! Please tell me you'll find someone though. You can't spend your entire life in love with Mulch Diggums!"

Anger flooded through Holly. "Alice, that was almost a year a go, please give it a rest." Her voice echoed into the phone as it had the entire conversation. It was starting to get on her nerves. "And hold up for a second, I think there is something wrong with my phone. You can stay on the line if you want." Holly sincerely hoped that she didn't, "I'm just going to go ask Foaly if I can use his phone instead."

She stepped out of her office, and all of a sudden the phone let of a screech. "What the…" She said, and her voice resounded in the air around her.

"Holly? Holly? Are you there?" Came Alice's voice as well. Their call had been playing over the intercom for the entire time. She saw several fairies leaning out of their offices, noses to the P. A. machines. Trouble Kelp grinned slyly at her from his doorway.

"Mulch, eh? Never knew you liked hairy fairies, Holly."

Holly's face burned with embarrassment. She realized only one person could have done such a thing to her, and as childish as it may have been, it was well-deserved revenge. Suddenly, as almost to mirror her thinking Foaly paged her to say that Artemis had given her a message. She rushed to go see it. Four words, blinking on a computer screen and she realized that she deserved what she had gotten.

_Are we even now?_

**Well, there's a double douse of Artemis adventures. Though this strictly doesn't work with the summary, I simply had to include Artemis's revenge.**


	5. If You Give a Genius a Kitten

**I'm sorry for not updating yesterday; I had my first track meet of the season and didn't get home until later than planned. By the way, I totally got owned in the face by a hurdle, it was hi-larious!**

**Disclaimer- I don't own Artemis and Co., though I have FULL rights on Mittens.**

IF YOU GIVE A GENIUS A KITTEN

One little known fact about Foaly was that his favourite animal was the cat. The creatures fascinated Foaly; they provided no end of entertainment to him. According to the centaur, they were nature's Chuck Norris. So, when the occasion of Foaly's birthday came to the calendar of Holly Short, she knew exactly what to get him.

Now, it is not easy to get a cat in the Lower Elements. Actually, it's impossible. So, seeing as she herself couldn't buy a cat from the humans, Holly called in a little favor that s certain Mr. Fowl owed her. It was a simple task; all he had to do was buy the kitten and keep it for a few hours. It should be simple enough for a genius, right?

Well, Artemis thought this as well. And the buying part was in fact, quite simple. He made sure that the cat had all its shots, and that it was not some sort of product of kitty mills. Holly had specified a rescue cat, preferably a tabby, and Artemis had followed her instructions to the letter. In the end, he had left the shelter with Mittens, a gray and brown tabby, though not before making a generous donation to the place.

Juliet, who was visiting Fowl Manor on her time off from her busy tour, (which was promoting her training secrets and revealing some of her top wrestling moves,) was absolutely in love with little Mittens, and the boys and Angeline loved the cat as well. Even Butler enjoyed petting the little animal. But, all too soon, Artemis was left to care for the thing. He thought it was cute, like the others, but was a tad worried about caring for it. Butler had offered to stay and help with Artemis, but he and Juliet were going to see a carnival, and Artemis did not want to take away their short, valuable time together. Besides, Holly would be at his house in 20 minutes, what could possibly happen?

Artemis learned something very fast about Mittens. He was not de-clawed. In a matter of seconds, his favourite Armani sweater's sleeve was torn to shreds. Wanting to avoid any more confrontation of the feline kind, Artemis decided to give the cat some food. They always had some around the house because when his mother had been pregnant with Myles and Beckett, she had often gotten cravings for it, cravings that never went away.

So he decided that the best route of action was to give the cat a heap load of food. Unfortunately, when he turned around, the cat was gone.

Artemis's heart started beating rapidly. Immediately he checked his phone, which was connected to the house's security cameras. He scanned the house, and upon finding no kitten, preformed a heat scan. Artemis had almost lost all hope until he spotted a pulsing red dot in one of the second floor bedrooms. _Bingo!_ He thought, and raced to the room.

When he arrived there, however, there was a slight problem. The kitten had managed to squeeze itself between the wall and the boudoir, and removing said cat was easier said then done. Artemis tried everything to coax it out, but the kitten refused to budge. After trying to call push the cat out through the other side failed catastrophically, Artemis tried to push the quite heavy boudoir away, and, as he had previously suspected, he could not get it to move event the smallest fraction of an inch. Mittens was slowly becoming more and more enraged, and Artemis realized finally what he must do. Carefully, he crept between the wall and boudoir himself, or rather; he squeezed both his arm and face into the small area of space. Then, he made a mad grab at the cat. He was surprised to find contact with that cat, momentarily. Then, the fearsome feline bit down hard on his hand, and Artemis found that cat's teeth were almost as sharp as their claws. It hurt like crazy, and with a shout, Artemis rose up quickly, hitting his head on the top corner f the boudoir as he did so. With a hiss and snarl, the cat raced out of the room and down the stairs, into the entrance hall, where Holly Short had just appeared.

"So," She said, a smirk on her face. "A wittle kitty is to much for Arty-Warty to handle?" Her voice was high and taunting, and Artemis could do was glare and nurse his wounds.

**I know, I know, it is unrealistic to think that Butler would ever leave Artemis alone, and Holly's appearance was rather random, but all the best plots have holes, right?**

**(Answer: No.)**


	6. If You Give a Genius a Pick Up Line

**Disclaimer- I own nothing, not even Artemis's pick up line.**

WHEN YOU GIVE A GENIUS A PICK UP LINE

Puberty was doing strange things to our favourite genius. Because of his raging hormones, he was now ogling over every mature female he saw, before mentally slapping himself. Artemis knew that girls would most likely only serve to get in his way, but that didn't prevent countless minutes wasted daydreaming about the girl who worked at the campus library. Her name was Miranda, and she was a year older than him. She was also very, very beautiful. Artemis soon grew to avoid the library, as meetings with her often involved him choking on his latest title. And if you have ever choked while trying to ask for a book by Vilhem Moberg you can appreciate the situation he was in. How could he ask for books when he couldn't look the librarian in the eye? No, that would not do for Artemis Fowl. So, he decided to talk to Butler about the situation. It was a little known fact that, in his youth, Domovoi Butler was a regular Casanova. Though he soon grew out of this phase, his ability to understand the female population remained, and Artemis knew that his old friend and bodyguard would most definitely be able to help him with his problem.

"Well," Said Butler, after Artemis had described all of his feelings to the man. He scratched his chin thoughtfully for a moment, and then said, "It's just an old school crush, really, but I suppose that's like the end of the world for someone like you. I suggest talking to this girl, finding something you don't like about her so you think about that and get your teenage mind off of her, ahem, other assets."

"Talk to her as in, ask her out?" Asked Artemis, wide eyed. How did Butler expect him to do that? He couldn't speak around the girl, much less choke out a coherent sentence.

"Artemis," Butler began slowly, "You do realize that the worst she can say is, "No, thanks.'" However, Butler knew that Artemis was as stubborn as a mule, and would argue to the death. He prepared for a battle.

"You know that is not true, Butler. She could humiliate me, and believe me when I say that we Fowls do not take well to humiliation."

"Just ask her, Artemis. I promise, it won't be so bad."

"Easy for you to say, Butler."

"Relax, Artemis. If you really need help talking to her, you can read some of my old pick-up line books. They're in the pantry, under the pancake mix. I bought them in the eighties, so they might be a tad out dated, but you will get the gist of it, at least."

"All right, what do these books look like?"

"Well, there's a red one, and a alizarin one. Pick up the red one, that's the one with the lines that would work on this class of woman."

Artemis left the room scratching his head, wondering how on earth he was supposed to tell the difference between red and alizarin.

Artemis stepped into the coolness of the library feeling confident with himself. He was wearing his favourite teenager clothes; A simple t-shirt with a witty saying on it, and some tight fitting blue jeans. (Though not ridiculously obscene. Juliet had once brought home a boy who often borrowed her pants.)

And then, he saw her. The shine of her brown hair against the chestnut wood of the bookshelves surrounding her was almost poetic. He could picture her beautiful face, with its pale, freckled skin, cheery blue eyes and dimples on both edges of her strawberry coloured smile. Realizing his thoughts, he shook his head immediately. This was the sort of behavior that got him in this mess to begin with. No, he just needed to step up to her calmly and ask her out on a date. Yes that was it. Millions of boys did it everyday, it couldn't be so hard. Surely, it should not be difficult at all for someone of his intellect. Yes, he could do this.

"When I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting heads?"

`And almost the instant the words came out of his mouth, Miranda turned around abruptly and flipped him the bird.

He had a feeling he had chosen the wrong book.

**Viola, there goes another tale of Artemis's adventures. Yes, it's a tad unlikely that Artemis would fail to understand the meaning behind that line, but remember that he has absolutely NO game ;-). Also, as a side note, for those of you who don't know, red and alizarin are very similar colours when you're in a hurry.**


	7. If You Give a Genius a Psych Test

**It's here, a day late, or maybe two. Anyways, here is the next loverly addition to this fantastical story.**

**Disclaimer- If I was Eoin Colfer, I highly doubt I'd be wasting my time here.**

IF YOU GIVE A GENIUS A PSYCH TEST

Artemis Fowl the First was greatly concerned about his eldest son. The boy had obviously not grown up in very normal conditions, and he was afraid that this would affect his later life. So he came up with an idea, to give Artemis a psych test he couldn't cheat off of.

"Artemis?" Called Dr. Beth, a middle aged man sitting behind a large walnut desk. The boy entered his room looking annoyed. That was understandable, but Dr. Beth was determined to get to know the real Artemis Fowl, the one behind the dark tresses and scoffing face.

"Yes, Doctor Beth?" His voice was patronizing, frustrated, and there was a slight something, maybe by the way he stood, that suggested that he was most definitely ready for a challenge.

"Well, I'm going to be performing a pretty average test on you. I'm going to give you a board with a series of shapes and you will be given the opportunity to draw in whatever you feel completes the image. All right?"

Artemis only nodded and sneered at the man, and then was told to sit down on the other side of the desk and given a large white board and a black Expo marker.

The first section of the white board contained two long, vertical lines. Artemis drew in an "S" over the two, to make the American dollar sign. He figured that this would be a pretty average answer. The second portion of the board was a circle in the right, uppermost corner. He drew it in as a sun, and drew a few stick people and some grass playing below. The third section was a curved line, almost like a half of a heart. Artemis doodled a crack down the outer edge of it, connecting both sides. He wondered where the other half had gone, before shaking his head and realizing that these were simply Expo drawings. The fourth and finally part of the board was of a small circle inside of a larger circle. Artemis absentmindedly repeated this pattern over and over, until there were many of these Cheerio looking things.

"So, Doctor, what does this all mean?" He cocked his eyebrow at Doctor Beth, who was frowning as looked over Artemis's drawing.

"Well, this heart means that you are sad and lonely and broken hearted. You just want somebody to love!" The doctor now moved to the dollar sign. "And this represents the time you turned to hookers." Artemis choked on his own spit, and stared at the doctor in disbelief. "Artemis, I know it can be tempting," Said the doctor, "But it is quite demeaning to woman, and not at all a safe profession." He pointed to the sun. "I see you like girls from Haiti, the island in the sun. Good choice,- not that I'd know anything on the matter!" Said the doctor, quite quickly. Artemis couldn't believe his ears, What was this man talking about? "And this," The doctor said, pointing to the circles, "Is clearly a diagram of the herpes virus. You had your heart broken, and then turned to Haitian hookers, and you now have an STD! Isn't that right, Artemis?"

"What?" Said Artemis, mouth slightly ajar.

"Do not try and deny what your subconscious is so clearly telling me, Artemis. It's all right, there are all sorts of self help programs and youth groups. We'll get you back on the straight and narrow, Artemis, so help me God!"

Artemis just sat their, shocked. Where had this man gotten his degree from, he wondered. What kind of place would let a lunatic like this in?

Suddenly, a man burst through the office door. He was wearing a tie and suede jacket, his glasses slightly crocked and his hair flying askew.

"Richard!" He berated Doctor Beth. Then, he held a short, quite conversation with the doctor before sending Beth out of the room. He then turned to Artemis. "I'm sorry, that was Richard Howler. I'm Doctor Beth. He's one of my patients, a psychopathic liar. I do hope he didn't cause too much trouble."

Artemis looked at the real Doctor Beth. "You have no idea."

**I would like to think all of my wonderful reviewers; I wasn't going to finish typing this chapter tonight, because I was tired from track meets and soccer games. But then, lo and behold, I opened my email and found several messages from FanFiction, full of reviews and favourites. Thanks, y'all.**

**(Though, in reality, I didn't do my homework to finish this, so it sort of works both ways. But, whatever, that ain't your fault.)**


	8. If You Give a Genius a Matchbook

**Huzzah! Your reviews are wonderful, they make me want to dance to bad 80's music.**

**Disclaimer- Actually, I **_**do**_** own Artemis Fowl.**

**Syke!**

IF YOU GIVE A GENIUS A MATCH BOOK

Artemis Fowl had a secret. Well, perhaps it seemed obvious to some, but very few realized how big a deal this secret was. The truth was, he depended much too much on technology. Sometimes, at family gatherings, his father told the story of Artemis's first experience with the common man's can opener. It had been several years ago, around the boy's tenth birthday. Their electric can opener had broken for the first time, and Artemis Senior had walked in on his son trying to open a can of mushroom soup with a butcher knife and salad fork. He claimed that if he could get it at just the right angle, he could perfectly rid the can of its top. His father, however, was skeptical of this practice, and instead handed his son a can opener. Artemis had banged the utensil on the lid, only to have it bounce back and hit him smack in the eye.

Every time Artemis's father told this story, he laughed heartily at the end, usually along with the various family members and friends that he was telling the tale to. Artemis did not find it quite as funny, though. He thanked the lord nobody had found out about the first time he'd tried to do the laundry.

So, when Juliet announced her big plans to take him, Butler, and the twins camping, he was quite nervous, Thankfully, she soon informed him that their tents would be resting on the cement of Fowl Manor's guesthouse driveway. Artemis asked why she chose to camp so closely to the house, and why he had to be there. She simply informed him that it would be fun for the boys, and it would be nice for them to get to spend some time with their big brother.

"You are their biggest role model, after all."

Juliet had said this with such excitement; she probably hadn't noticed his need to be inside with the comforting whirr of machines surrounding. However, he knew he could suck it up for one night to make Myles and Beckett proud.

This proved to be easier said then done. Setting up his tent was an uphill battle, and Myles had to show him how to properly tie it down. Embarrassingly, he had accidentally become trapped inside when he zipped the tent closed with the handle on the outside. Juliet had confiscated his computer, and then forced him to go with Butler to chop firewood. Butler had wisely decided that it was perhaps not in Artemis's best interests to use a large, sharp, axe. He did _not_ get off that easily, though. Butler gave him half of the firewood to lug back to the campsite. It was no more than thirty pounds in reality, but Artemis had always been rather weak and un-athletic, so for him it was pure torture. Finally, he got back to the driveway, panting and sweating hair a mess. With a cock of her head, Juliet instructed him to put the firewood near a small, wooden bench Butler had gotten from the main house. It had been constructed at the time when Beckett had discovered the joys of carpentry, there were at least thirty others lying around the house. Artemis had not been so gifted with hammers or nails. Beckett had once tried to teach him how, and the result had been a complete waste of wood. It was rather shameful that even his six-year-old brother was better at most normal things than him.

"Now, let's get a fire started and roast some marshmallows!" Cried Juliet, and Myles and Beckett cheered. Butler hauled a few logs effortlessly onto the fire pit they had constructed with a large metal box full of sand. Artemis slightly envied Butler's muscle mass at times like this; his bodyguard wasn't even breaking a sweat.

"Artemis," Called Juliet, snapping him out of his daze. "You have the honors of lighting the fire." With that, she tossed him a red and blue matchbook.

He gulped nervously, though tried to remain calm. His father had used matches in black outs before, and Artemis had studied the art intently. It couldn't be that hard, could it?

Taking deep breathes, Artemis struck the match across the book, and yelled out in surprise when it did successfully light. He held it with the burning end facing down, and prepared to drop it on the wood. Then, all of sudden, the fire licked his fingers, causing him to scream and toss the match away. It landed on the tent, and the five campers sat and watched in amazement as flames consumed all of the tents, the rest of the firewood, and Beckett's bench. The flames danced and the cackling sound resounded as the ashes flew into the sky.

"So," Artemis said, red in the face. He looked at his brothers, Butler, and Juliet.

"Does anyone want to make some s'mores?"

**Silly Artemis! I was actually going to type a message of value here, but I rather forgot what it was… Anyways, have a fun Thursday night!**


	9. If You Give a Genius Some Aviators

**So I was watching "That 70's Show" and trying to think of a topic when all of a sudden, Hyde appeared on screen. I'm not actually sure if his glasses are actually Aviators, but that's what they look like, so it's good enough for me.**

**Disclaimer- I own neither Artemis Fowl, nor the aforementioned glasses.**

GIVE A GENIUS SOME AVIATORS

To say that Artemis Fowl was not cool was the understatement of the century. However, Artemis Fowl himself did not care about such trivial things. He felt that fashion and popularity were things that should not concern him, as they were mere distractions from living well and being intelligent. Juliet slightly disagreed.

There was an autumn dance every year at St. Bartleby's unoriginally dubbed "The Fall Ball", and it was a contest among the boys of the school to be voted "Fall Ball King" by the ladies of St. Rosenberg, their neighbouring sister school, who were shipped in to dance for the occasion. Juliet, who had dated many attendants of St. Bartleby's in her youth, knew all about the contest, and was determined to make Artemis the winner.

Juliet decided to take the boy genius shopping, which turned out to be a huge mistake. Artemis had no taste when it came to modern clothing that teenagers wore to dances. She had to drag him kicking and screaming into a simple men's store. Once he saw them, he rushed immediately to the suits. He explained to Juliet that at everyone of his father's dinner and dance parties, all of the men had worn suits. Juliet pointed out that all of those men were extremely old.

So, the clothes plan was a bust. Juliet at least talked him into some hole-filled jeans and a shirt with a band logo on it, but his need to wear loafers were crowding her visions of grandeur.

But he could at least talk like a teenager, couldn't he?

No, actually, he couldn't at all.

Artemis was not very good at communicating civilly with people in general, let alone his peers, most of which he considered stupid and annoying. He refused to alter his speech patterns in anyway, refused to stop using words with more than eight syllables, and flat out refused to rid the word "Rhizopoda" from his vocabulary. Juliet had but one chance left. She had to teach him the art of dance.

This was a task easier said than done. Artemis was a great dancer, in theory, but in reality he had no balance despite his large knowledge of dance moves and steps. So, with Artemis half-heartedly learning the tango Juliet decided that she was going to need more than determination to make Artemis "Fall Ball King". So, she decided to get a no-fail, guaranteed, coolness package.

Aviator sunglasses.

When Artemis first heard of this idea, he laughed. Juliet scolded him for laughing at the power of the glasses, and informed him that they were the absolute coolest things to wear, ever. Though he severely doubted this, Artemis agreed to wear the glasses in order to make Juliet happy.

And then, he got to the dance, and he saw the magic of the glasses in action. People with whom he had never spoken with before were coming up to him and greeting him with "'Sup"'s and nods of the head in his direction. For the first time in his life, Artemis felt accepted by his school. He almost felt downright cool. And not to mention, the St. Rosenberg girls were actually looking his way, smiling and laughing and throwing their long, good-smelling hair over their shoulders as they walked by him, sometimes several times. When the voting began for "Fall Ball King", he actually felt fairly confident, like he had a chance.

Juliet sat at the Fowl's counter top, her fingers drumming nervously against the granite. She sighed heavily, waiting anxiously for Artemis to get home. When she heard a car pull up into the garage, and the crunching of gravel underfoot, she jumped out of her chair and rushed to the door.

"Did you win?" She said, squealing with excitement. Juliet could not wait to here about the great success of her latest prodigy.

Artemis gave a sad, bitter half smile. "Sort of." He said.

"Sort of? Like, there was a tie? Because, you know Artemis, that's still winning."

"Oh, know, I won flat out. Or, rather, Aviator Guy won. That's what was put on the ballots. Almost all of them."

"So, then what?" Asked Juliet, cocking her head to one side.

"Then I took off the glasses and they found out it was me. Just about everyone changed their votes."

Juliet felt a large amount of empathy for the young man. "Oh, Arty, it's okay! I will make this up to you, I promise. I'll give you anything you want!"

"Anything I want?" Artemis asked, and Juliet nodded eagerly. "Can I keep the glasses?"

**Ah, poor Artemis. Oh well, he still gets a pair of flipping sweet glasses, and in my opinion, that is a fair trade. Anyways, I've got a meet tomorrow, so I'm not sure if I'll be able to get another chapter up, but you know I'll try my hardest, gosh darnit!**


	10. If You Give a Genius a Haircut

**Oh, Artemis's hair gets cut, how fun! By the way, this story jumps all over the place in terms of timing, so if I say any character is a different age than in reality, assume that you're just reading in a different time period.**

**Disclaimer- Eoin Colfer owns Artemis Fowl. I am not Eoin Colfer. Therefore, I do not own Artemis Fowl.**

IF YOU GIVE A GENIUS A HAIRCUT

Artemis felt that it was around time to get a haircut, for no matter how his mother protested, he absolutely hated his now long, unruly locks. Unfortunately, he knew not where to get it, or what kind of cut to get. He eventually decided upon a salon Juliet recommended, a hip and trendy place called "Coiffer des Personnes Folles". Of course, he had not truly trusted all of Juliet's recommendations since the disastrous do rag incident of '01. Artemis went to see the place for himself, just in case Juliet's talk of the place was false. It was a nice place; he could see teens like himself going in to get haircuts and beautiful beauticians making people's hair look much better than it naturally did. Artemis decided that he would in fact get his hair cut at the establishment. And, he decided, that he might even try out a new hairstyle. Something cool, wild, and exotic, three things that he was not but wouldn't mind being. Calling them from a phone booth across the street, he scheduled the appointment.

It was a Tuesday afternoon when Artemis marched into the barber's shop. "Reservations for Fowl." He said, in his most suave and sophisticated voice. The girl behind the counter smiled at him, revealing perfectly shaped, bright white teeth. It contrasted with her bright yellow and green hair. Her silver nose piercing glinted in the fluorescent lights of the shop, and the sun streaming in through the large bay window out front made it clear that she had absolutely no pores in her skin whatsoever.

She was not the only good-looking person, however. As she lead him back to a small sitting area, he saw at least a dozen other would-be supermodels. There was a fair haired girl snipping at the locks of an Abercrombie sporting, ginger-haired male, whose muscle shown through his stylish polo. Brunettes frenzied about the shop, carrying conditioners and towels from place to place. Washwomen with eccentric styles and colours on the top of their heads' splashed water onto eager, gorgeous customers. The whole place was bustling with super-human beauty.

The receptionist told him to go and sit at a sink; he was early, but they could squeeze him in a good washing before a stylist went to work on him. He bent his head back and waited for perhaps thirty seconds before all of a sudden warm water showered over his head and hair. He immediately shut his eyes, though the water was nowhere near his ranger of sight. He felt a towel being placed over his forehead and shampoo being rubbed into his scalp. Then, the person washing him began to talk.

"Gee, your hair smells terrific! What do you use?" The voice was masculine, with a slight mocking sound about it.

"Shut up!" Came a more feminine voice, and the first began laughing. Artemis could smell the light, floral scent of the shampoo, and it did wonders to calm his nerves.

"Sorry Crystal, you know I couldn't just stand here and not openly make fun of you. It would be a break in contract.

The feminine voice start laughing as Artemis felt someone rinsing the shampoo and applying conditioner. He took a deep breath; maybe this wouldn't be so hard after all. The boy had been anxious about fitting in at the salon, but he had never considered that they would simply treat him like everyone else. He liked that, for it made him much calmer.

When the towel was removed from his visage and he sat up, he could only gape open mouthed at the man who had done his hair. He had dyed platinum locks down to his shoulders, but on his face there was a large amount of dark brown scruff.

"You're to go to Audrey next." The man simply said, pointing to an empty barbers chair. Artemis rose, trying to shake off his surprised expression at the man's ridiculous appearance.

"Oh, don't pay any attention to him. Scott dyed his hair and now that he's growing his play off beard he's too lazy to dye it back." Came the voice of the hairdresser walking over to him. Artemis estimated that she was slightly shorter than him, and had long black hair, dye pink and blue in certain places. Her square, black glasses made her look extremely intelligent, and Artemis felt at ease. "So," She said, "What kind of style do you want?"

"I'm not sure; you can decide what would look… cool on me." Kids still said cool, didn't they? It must not have been taboo, for Audrey smiled and went to work. Artemis leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes, anxious and excited to be looking cool for the one of the first times in his life.

About twenty minutes later, Artemis awoke with a jolt. He had fallen asleep in the barber's chair. "You woke up just in time!" Said Audrey, excitedly. "Check out your new look!"

Artemis was now sporting a bright purple faux-hawk, gelled into place with what felt like the world's supply of lard. Audrey was smiling brightly at him, watching his expression, which was a state of shock. Taking a deep breath, he calmly told her that he loved it, paid, left the salon, and promised himself to never again fall asleep while getting a haircut.

**For those of you bilingual buccaneers, I'm sure you enjoyed the salon's title. Yes, Artemis probably would have gotten it, and he probably would not have fallen asleep in a barber's chair, but oh well, at least you now have a mental picture of Artemis Fowl with a faux-hawk!**


	11. If You Give a Genius a Carnival Ride

**So, am I like, the worst authoress ever or what? Just because of finals, grounding, and my own laziness, I have neglected you poor people. Please accept this new installment of "Give a Genius a Cookie" as my humble apology.**

**Disclaimer- Artemis is not mine, neither are the carnival rides. In fact, I own nothing but Horace. How sad!**

GIVE A GENIUS A CARNIVAL RIDE

Minerva Paradizo stepped out of her father's dark blue Chevy, looking as beautiful as ever. Artemis gulped as the girl he had just a few years ago considered an enemy, and tried to calm down. After all, any sort of romantic relationship with Minerva was impossible; Artemis knew that she thought it much too awkward, and besides her physical appearance, he thought of her as a sister, not someone to fall in love with.

She was a sister to not only him, in fact, but Miles and Beckett as well. So, when the annual carnival came around, they begged him to ask her to accompany them there. Artemis, unable to deny anything that made his little brothers happy had agreed. He just hadn't expected her to be so… Pretty. Damn his hormones, they were sending his teenage mind straight to hell with their gutter-like thinking.

"Minerva! Minerva! Hello, Minerva!" Miles and Beckett chirped their greetings in unison, as they ran up to the blond youth. She smiled and hugged them both, bending down to their level.

Artemis smiled as his younger brothers circled around Minerva. He managed to wave to her and she returned the gesture with great gusto.

"Hey, Artemis! How's your summer been?" She asked. They exchanged stories of what they had done, (Artemis had began work on a brand of gum that would never loose its flavor, thanks to inspiration from reading 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" to the twins. Minerva was working on a liquid type of pill, which was for young children and people who had trouble swallowing.)

They, the children, Minerva's newest Body guard Horace, and Butler all walked around the festival. The twins wanted to go on a colourful, fruit shaped ride called the "Berry Go Round", racing over the end of the line and standing on tip toe to see over the metal bars enclosing the ride. Both Artemis and Minerva thought it was absolutely disgusting. Spinning around at warped speed was something they could handle, but doing it while in closed in a small, sweaty space next to screaming children was not on Artemis's wish list. So, while Beckett and Miles went with Butler (Who looked none too happy about joining them) Minerva suggested that the two of them ride a loud, swiftly spinning ride called the "Himalaya." Horace agreed to accompany them, and so they waited in line patiently until it was their turn to board.

"After you," Artemis said, standing in front of the two-person compartment. Horace was in the one in back of them.

"No way, Artemis. It says that the heavier person should be on the outside, and let's face it, I'm almost taller than you, and you have almost no muscle mass whatsoever."

Artemis blushed, but got in, and Minerva sat down next to him.

"Have you ever ridden on this before?" She asked, tilting her head towards him.

"Honestly Minerva, I've never been to the carnival before." He said, which made her laugh.

"Me neither, I guess this'll be our first time!"

Artemis's eyebrows shot up, and Minerva's hand flew to her mouth.

"Damn it, you know what I mean, Artemis!"

Artemis smirked and chuckled, before realizing that that was perhaps the first time he'd ever heard Minerva swear. She was growing up, he realized, almost like a favourite niece of his.

The ride started off, jerking at first, then going round and round a large circle in the center. Its speed increased, and when they turned the corner, Artemis was shoved sharply into his friend. It was awkward to say the least, but Artemis painfully found that it only got worse and worse as time went on and the ride got faster and faster. Heaving himself up, he went to try and pull away from the strange and unnatural situation occurring. Pulling hard, he was in a semi standing position. Then, the ride turned the corner, and he was thrown on top of Minerva with such force he was surprised his teeth didn't shatter. It was quite an awkward few seconds, trying to pull himself off of Minerva's lap. When the ride finally, mercifully slowed down, Artemis was finally released from the position, and was as red as the Berry Go Round.

As they left the ride, he tried to choke out some words of explanation to Minerva, but suddenly Butler and the twins raced up to them. Miles and Beckett both proclaimed that Butler had almost thrown up, and went on to chatter noisily about how fun the ride had been.

"So, how was the Himalaya?" Butler asked him, whilst Miles and Beckett cheerily explained their adventure in great detail to Minerva.

Artemis looked over at Minerva. "Don't even ask."

**Yes, don't we all just love awkward moments? This was actually based off of two true stories. The conversation about Artemis's and Minerva's "First Time" was similar to a conversation held between a friend of mine and I. The ride experience, well, was in fact one of the most awkward moments of my life. I was with a good friend, whom I had known through another friend and just met that day. What a great first impression I must have made. XD**

**PS, I promise, I'll give you another chapter as soon as finish chapters for some of my other neglected stories.**


	12. If You Give a Genius a Cellular Phone

**I'm back, and not a second too soon! Here I am with the new season type thing of "Give a Genius a…", featuring the lovable Master Fowl. Hope y'all enjoy the first installment!**

GIVE A GENIUS A CELLULAR PHONE

Juliet was forever trying to do the impossible. It seemed to Artemis that she was hell bent on making him into some sort of cool, popular, super teen. Never had she succeeded in this, but that didn't stop her from constantly trying. So, when Christmas rolled around, Artemis wasn't surprised to see that she had gotten him the key to all things teenager: a cellular telephone.

Of course, he already had had a great many number of phones, but this was one of those new fangled things that came with wireless internet, television, and an MP3 player.

"Juliet, what am I supposed to do with this? I'm 18 for crying out loud, I don't need the cell phone of some… teeny bopper!"

"Oh, my God."

"What?" He asked Juliet impatiently.

"I can't believe you actually just used the words, 'Teeny bopper.' How old _are_ you, really?"

"Shut up, Juliet."

"Oh, hush!" Said Juliet, with a smile on her face. "Now, I am going to send you, and your phone, out to the pubs with Mavis and Charlie. And _you_ are going to enjoy your holiday!"

Artemis smiled; Juliet was only trying to be nice after all, but inwardly he groaned. Mavis and Charlie were his fellow geniuses, (Or was it genii? Artemis never could remember…) that he had met through Minerva. They were a brilliant pair, yes, but lacked certain maturity. And Artemis had learned through past experience that when you gave even slightly immature boys alcohol, their brilliance had a tendency to fly right out the window.

Nevertheless, when 9:30 rolled around, he went with them to the Broffshire Pub and Brewery for a night of embarrassment and a morning of headaches. Mavis, the eldest of them was nineteen and kept his hair trimmed to the millimeter. His side burns were perfectly symmetrical, and his shirt and pants were always pressed. This, the side of him he called his Obsessive Compulsive gene, was a side Artemis admired. All other parts of him, including the earring and the Kermitt the Frog tattoo were things that Artemis found to be quite silly and distracting, but he put up with all of it because Mavis was a great and loyal friend.

So was Charlie, though. The youngest of them, he had just turned eighteen in the last month, but already had a good amount of experience with intoxication. Unlike Mavis, his hair was wild, long, and blond. His innocent, blue shone and got him attention from females almost every time that he went out. Though smart, he was very naïve, something both Artemis and Mavis criticized him for.

And so, with these companions in toe, Artemis was shuffled out of the door by Juliet and into Mavis's ancient, pristinely scrubbed pick-up truck. Both of the boys greeted him with smiles and high fives, and Artemis strapped himself tightly in, ready to begin the hangover.

In all honesty, Artemis was not much for consuming large amounts of liquor in short periods of time. However, smart as he may be, he was not impervious to the dares of his friends. So, when he awoke in the morning, lying on the sidewalk outside of the bar, he was not surprised. Getting up and stretching, he went off to find his companions.

Artemis's breath smelled like tacos and plaque, and he had a splitting headache. Hoping that Mavis and Charlie were near, he walked inside of the pub. There they were, sprawled out opposite each other on a large table. Not having the energy to yell and wake them, he simply sat down in the leather seat of the booth their table inhabited.

"These yours?" Said a gruff voice. The bar tender, sweeping the floor of the establishment jerked his head at the two slumbering young men.

Weakly, Artemis nodded. He hoped that one of them would sober up rather quickly, as he did not feel like walking all the way home in his current state. Luckily, Charlie managed to shake off his woozy expression rather quickly (Artemis figured that he had had the least amount of alcohol, seeing as he was the local beer pong champion.), and they all got home in one piece.

"Son?" Artemis Senior looked at his son's tired face. Ah, the days of youth. He remembered his drinking days quite fondly, though the hangover, not so much.

Groggily, Artemis Junior lifted his head from his desk. Great, he had fallen asleep while working. Anyone could have access to his computer as he lay snoozing by the screen. Looking up at his father, his expression read, 'Yes?'

"Beckett was doing an experiment on my phone and… well, it didn't turn out so well. Can I use yours? I know it's new, but I'm only going to need it for one forty-five minute meeting, and then I'll return it to you, I promise." Artemis meekly nodded, and his father took the phone from off of his dresser draw and walked out of the room, humming. Keeping the rhythm as he walked, Artemis heard his father walk down the stairs and out of the front door. The sound of his car's engine erupted through the quiet morning, and then faded as the man drove off.

Artemis didn't feel much like humming; he felt like vomiting. He would have to thank Mavis and Charlie for this the next time that he saw them. They were good friends, yes, but sometimes even good friends deserved a slap upside the head.

Sighing, he returned to his work, until Butler called to him from downstairs about a half an hour later.

"Mavis and Charlie are here, Artemis." He said, amused. Butler always found it quite funny when Artemis and his friends got themselves into what he called, "A Headache Fest". Though he was too proud an athlete to drink any sort of liquor, he had heard stories from Artemis Senior, Angeline, and now even Artemis about the joys and terrors of 'getting smashed'.

"Dude!" Cried Mavis excitedly as he saw Artemis.

"Man, we've been calling your phone for the past ten minutes. Pretty funny, isn't it?" Said Charlie.

"What are you talking about?" Asked Artemis. He was worried, what had these intelligent, cunning, drunken boys done to his phone?

"The ringer, man." Exclaimed Mavis excitedly.

Artemis's eyes got big. "What?"

"We customized your ringer last night…" Charlie had picked up on the look in Artemis's eyes, and was now beginning to look rather worried.

By now, Mavis had seen the look on his friend's face as well. "Where is your phone, Artemis?"

"My father has it… He's in a meeting." Suddenly, Artemis was rather angry.

"What did you guys to my phone?" He said, his voice cracking in the terror of all of the horrible possibilities.

"Well, your ringer would have matched mine." Said Mavis, who now held out his phone, and after clicking a few high-tech looking buttons, played the aforementioned ringer.

"_Hey, you! Yeah you, pick up the damn phone, Moron! Someone's calling!_"

This repeated a couple times, and each time, Artemis's open mouth grew wider in horror.

He was going to have some explaining to do when his father got home.

**There we are, the first of many new Artemis escapades. And, to any readers of my other work, I promise I'll get around to updating those as well... (Not that you care, really, but I figured it make someone feel better that I hadn't died...)**

**Later Gaters!**


	13. If You Give a Genius a Facebook

**Here we go, a twofer! I don't own Artemis Fowl, and if you haven't yet realized that I pity you.**

**IF YOU GIVE A GENIUS A FACEBOOK**

A new craze had taken over Haven, a craze that Artemis was having trouble understanding. It had all started when Juliet had introduced Holly to a social networking site, Facebook. Then, suddenly, it had exploded in the Lower Elements.

This would have been fine, had suddenly he not been pestered day and night to get an account on the aforementioned website. Holly, Foaly, and even Trouble Kelp had begged him. Now, this would have been fine, albeit annoying. Vinyaya, Chix, and Minerva (Who had over three-hundred friends after subsequently getting hooked on it by N1.) had all sent him emails, but finely, came the last straw.

**Check out my photos on Facebook**

Hi ,

I set up a Facebook profile where I can post my pictures, videos and events and I want to add you as a friend so you can see it. First, you need to join Facebook! Once you join, you can also create your own profile.

Thanks,

Opal Koboi

Well, that was just what threw Artemis over the edge.

An hour later, Holly Short logged into Facebook. She soon flew into a wild rage, documented here as, "FB WITHDRAWLZ".

So Mulch Diggums found her there. He had come to tell her of the mockery that had been made of their favourite online hot spot, and ran into her, near comatose from rage under her desk.

Qwan had to be brought in to calm her down. He was perhaps the only person in the entire city who had not been overtaken by the phenomenon, and was therefore puzzled when he saw the screen that had reduced the legendary Holly Short to a quivering pool of rage:

**Facebook is down at the moment, due to extreme society.**

**Sorry for any inconvenience, but, hey, life's a bitch!**

And so, even as Holly lay with her fists clenched and her teeth bared, Qwan had to chuckle. That Artemis sure was a card.

**Voila! I am not the only one annoyed by Facebook requests; Arty hates 'em too! Anyone else in the audience despise those emails? Well, I'm not here to rant about Facebook, so I'll leave you with this chapter and run.**


End file.
